Tuesday, May 24, 2011


I am going through a new stage in the life of diabetes. I, lately, am overcome with guilt. I am putting this out there to the DOC because I wonder if this is common or if it is a feeling unique to me.

 I am a runner, I practice yoga, and I have a nice social life with great family and friends. As a mother I think it is important to make time for myself and the things that are important to me. Taking the time to do things is not what makes me feel guilty. When I am away from my kids they are always in good hands with people that love them.

The guilt has been coming from somewhere else. I find myself getting angry at myself for doing things with ease that would be so hard for Skyler.

I run, sometimes pretty far, but I don't have to consider my blood sugar during my run.  Running is something Skyler can do, but with more planning and prep, and it could prove to be dangerous.

I practice yoga, which would be fine for a diabetic, but lately I have been doing hot yoga (the room is heated to about 90 degrees). I love the class and I feel great after doing it - until the guilt sets in. Hot Yoga is something Skyler can do, but with a lot more planning and prep and it could prove to be dangerous.

I like to enjoy a few drinks with family and friends. Once again, something Skyler can do, but with more planning and prep and it could prove to be dangerous.

I feel guilty that I lived 32 years without the worry and stress of diabetes.  She only lived three years with that privilege. I feel guilty that I was always athletic, and never for one second thought about how lucky I was to be able to do all that I have done with ease.

I feel guilty that my daily life; eating, sleeping, driving, etc. is so much less complicated than my child's life will ever be. Shouldn't that be the other way around!!!!  That makes me feel guilty and so deeply sad.

Now she is old enough to know what my interests and hobbies are and to perhaps take an interest in some of the same things.This makes me wonder if it is unfair to be so active, and do so much, with such ease when everything will be so much harder for her.

Don't get me wrong. I will never stop her from doing anything and I will always help her figure out a way to do whatever it is she chooses. I just can't help feeling guilty that I don't have the same burden to bear.

When I question why God gave it to her and not me I tell myself, and have to believe, that there is a reason why and it has to be a positive reason because God doesn't make mistakes.

I have a very strong faith in God and amazing support from family and friends, but I still can't shake the guilt.

I have been through a variety of emotions attached to diabetes, but this is a new one, and is becoming a little overwhelming.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Blog Week Day 4 By Skyler

I could write a list of things I hate about diabetes that would be about a mile long, but decided to ask Skyler. Her first response was "everything" then I asked her to put a little more thought into it and here is what she came up with:

The Eight Things I Hate About Diabetes and Two Things That Make it Not So Bad

1. Checking my blood sugar when I am having fun.
2. Having to take it (meter and PDM) everywhere with me.
3. Checking every meal time and before I eat a snack.
4. Having to drink so many juices.
5. Changing my site ( the needle).
6. Having to come out of the lake to check my blood sugar.
7. Having to check my blood sugar in school.
8. Having blood drawn once a year.

Two Things that are not so bad

1. Starburst
2. Spending the night in Saratoga when I go to the doctor.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Blog Week Day 3: Two Bloopers

Blooper #1 - This one could have turned ugly, but luckily did not.

                        After a long day I was ready to crawl into bed when all of a sudden I hear beep, beep. I look at my husband and we are both confused. It can't be Skyler I just checked her, we don't have any alarms set, and we don't have a CGM. Hmmmmm. I lay back down. A few minutes later beep, beep. Now I get up and walk through the downstairs of the house and can't find anything beeping. One more beep, beep and it hits me like a ton of bricks!! It is her pump! I suspended it to make a settings change. Duh - what else would be continuously beeping!  Did I mention that it had been a long day and I was very tired???

Blooper #2 - This one I do often (Skyler has been known to do it also)

                      I bet most of you can imagine this........ rushing through a blood sugar check. There are a variety of reason this happens, I won't get into all of that.  I always feel like a fumbling fool trying to balance the meter, put the strip in, open swab, clean hand, poke, squeeze the hand, suck up the blood, all while not dropping anything and trying to hurry up. Then it happens, blooper #2, I'm still rushing and I pull the damn strip out before the meter has read the blood sugar. Then I have to start the entire process over, so much for hurrying up.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Blog Week Day 2, Letter 2

Dear Pharmaceutical and Medical community,

 Please come up with an easier more efficient way of dosing glucagon. 

                                                                                    A mother who is scared to leave her child anywhere without her in case she passes out and the person in charge (including myself) has a difficult time fumbling through the process of trying to give her a damn glucagon injection.

Dear Family and Friends: Blog week Day 2

Dear Family and Friends,

To those both near and far I want to apologize if I seem distant. I am and I know that, but I have no choice really. The demands of diabetes combined with a job, a family, and some family fun time leave me very little time for anything else. I want you to know that I think of you all often. Those of you who are far away I have become very bad at staying in touch. I want you to know that it is not because I don't think of you, I do often. It is not because I have forgotten those years we spent together, I remember it all. It's not because I have a new life and you no longer matter, you do very much.

For those of you who are nearby I have the same apology. I can't always be there for you the way I used to be, but I try my best. I may miss events in your life, I don't want to, but it's not always possible for us to be there. If I seem more stressed out and not as laid back as I used to be, it's because I'm not. D does not lend itself to a laid back, carefree lifestyle. I apologize to and am thankful to all of you who try to understand.

I am truly blessed to have you all as family and friends.


Monday, May 9, 2011

Admiring Our Differences

I am so busy right now that I wasn't sure  I would be able to participate in blog week this year. Well, I have decided to give it a try and to do what I can.

When I started reading D blogs the first blogs I read were written by adults living with Diabetes. I felt like I was looking into a crystal ball at what my little girls life would be like someday. I appreciate the honesty and integrity with which these adult diabetics write. It gives me a window into the future. I know she has a hard road ahead of her, but because of these blogs I also know that it really will be OK and that her life will be as full and as amazing as she chooses for it to be. I also know that because of these blogs there will be people out there for her to talk to and that they will understand her struggles even better than myself, her Dad, and her brother.

I am forever saying how grateful I am for the technology that keeps my daughter healthy and safe. I am also thankful for the technology that has allowed me to reach out to a group of people that are spread out across the country. There is such comfort and understanding in this DOC and I equally admire all of you who write and share your lives with the rest of us.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Party Prep

Well I have survived two children with strep throat, one of whom has D, and one of whom had asthma type issues to go along with the strep. We are all better now!!!

Since the recovery I have been feverishly trying to figure out a way for us to attend my brother in laws surprise 40th b day party. It will take place about an hour and half away from our home. This is a bowling party in which 70's attire is required. Now for most attendees the figuring out that needs to done is in regards to  pulling off the right outfit. As challenging as that has proven to be for us, the greater challenge is figuring out how to attend and enjoy while keeping Skyler in a safe situation. All of my husband's family members are attending the party, therefore any family or friends who live remotely close to us will be at the party and unavailable for babysitting.

In order for us to go, which we are very much looking forward to, my parents are driving two and a half hours and staying in a hotel with my kids. The hotel is about 1 mile from the party. I have also gone to the web site of the restaurant that they would like to eat at to figure out the best meal. I had the kids choose what they will eat so that carb counting will be easier. They will be in cell phone contact with me throughout the evening. If we decide to party on I can go to the hotel and check in since we will be in the immediate vicinity of the hotel the entire evening. I have the sugar bin packed and ready to go. All this prep and organization (on my part and my parents) and do you think I will feel comfortable and at ease - NOPE.