I am going through a new stage in the life of diabetes. I, lately, am overcome with guilt. I am putting this out there to the DOC because I wonder if this is common or if it is a feeling unique to me.
I am a runner, I practice yoga, and I have a nice social life with great family and friends. As a mother I think it is important to make time for myself and the things that are important to me. Taking the time to do things is not what makes me feel guilty. When I am away from my kids they are always in good hands with people that love them.
The guilt has been coming from somewhere else. I find myself getting angry at myself for doing things with ease that would be so hard for Skyler.
I run, sometimes pretty far, but I don't have to consider my blood sugar during my run. Running is something Skyler can do, but with more planning and prep, and it could prove to be dangerous.
I practice yoga, which would be fine for a diabetic, but lately I have been doing hot yoga (the room is heated to about 90 degrees). I love the class and I feel great after doing it - until the guilt sets in. Hot Yoga is something Skyler can do, but with a lot more planning and prep and it could prove to be dangerous.
I like to enjoy a few drinks with family and friends. Once again, something Skyler can do, but with more planning and prep and it could prove to be dangerous.
I feel guilty that I lived 32 years without the worry and stress of diabetes. She only lived three years with that privilege. I feel guilty that I was always athletic, and never for one second thought about how lucky I was to be able to do all that I have done with ease.
I feel guilty that my daily life; eating, sleeping, driving, etc. is so much less complicated than my child's life will ever be. Shouldn't that be the other way around!!!! That makes me feel guilty and so deeply sad.
Now she is old enough to know what my interests and hobbies are and to perhaps take an interest in some of the same things.This makes me wonder if it is unfair to be so active, and do so much, with such ease when everything will be so much harder for her.
Don't get me wrong. I will never stop her from doing anything and I will always help her figure out a way to do whatever it is she chooses. I just can't help feeling guilty that I don't have the same burden to bear.
When I question why God gave it to her and not me I tell myself, and have to believe, that there is a reason why and it has to be a positive reason because God doesn't make mistakes.
I have a very strong faith in God and amazing support from family and friends, but I still can't shake the guilt.
I have been through a variety of emotions attached to diabetes, but this is a new one, and is becoming a little overwhelming.