Tomorrow is one more opportunity to give S some freedom. She will be going on a school field trip. As I mentioned in my last post I am a teacher in S's school which was a blessing that also followed my months of prayer after her diagnosis. S was to be in school everyday, full day the school year following her diagnosis. I didn't know how I was going to let my four year old diabetic out of my hands for a full day. I know all mothers have a hard time letting their "babies" go to Pre k or k, but this seemed like an emotional load that I really couldn't handle. I had left teaching to be home with S when she was born. A decision I never once regretted . Unbelievably, the summer after her diagnosis and before her first full year of school, a teaching job opened at her school and I got the job. If that was not a gift from above than I don't know what is. I was not ready to go back to work or leave my son yet but, how could I pass up the opportunity to manage her diabetes and be there in case of an emergency. Even though I struggled with leaving my son , we owned a business at the time and he was able to be with my husband most of the time. I should mention that I live in a very small town and our school only has 28 kids pre - k through 6. I teach the upper grades, but I see S for snack and lunch everyday and she and her teacher have me available all the time. I should also mention that our school does not have a school nurse, so you can imagine the concern I felt. I realize how blessed I am to be in this situation and realize that other parents have to send their kids to school everyday alone. I do often think of other parents and give much credit to them for the strength that they have no choice but to have. Yet another way diabetes can wreak havoc on your soul.
When I write all of this I am reminded of how diabetes has changed our lives in so many ways. To stay a positive role model for S I have to focus on the positive ways it has changed our lives. Going back to work wasn't what I wanted, but because of that my husband and son have a very special bond and S and I both benefited from my being in school and we continue to benefit. I believe our family is closer and stronger because of diabetes. We have to count on each other for help and be able to trust each others judgment. My kids are both learning that sometimes you have to delay gratification (like waiting for blood sugar to come down before having a special treat - even if it is Christmas). And when 5 year old H hugged his sister and cried while she had blood drawn at her last visit I know he is learning compassion through all of this. I believe that the education that S is getting from caring for her diabetes is far beyond what most kids learn at this age. So, as much as I wish she didn't have this burden to carry for the rest of her life most of time I can find the positive aspects underlying diabetes. I believe that there must be a reason why S has diabetes and why our family has had to learn to accept this and roll with it.
I sort of drifted off topic there. S has a school field trip tomorrow that I will not be chaperoning. She will be going to a play about an hour out of town. They will be having a snack and a lunch throughout the course of the day. I am ok with this because one of the chaperones is my best friend and S's Godmother so I know she will keep a close eye on her. I have printed out all the carbs and packed extra snacks and juices. As much as I trust both my best friend and S's teacher I will still worry. I realize these are baby steps that I am taking in letting go, but these baby steps feel pretty gigantic when it comes to someone I love so much.